Say What?? (Part 1)

What if, on your 18th birthday, you received a written list from God of the things He knew you'd end up saying one day?

Things like, "No, you can not ride the dog."

Or, "I beg you, please, next time take the screwdriver out of your pocket before you put your jeans in the hamper."

Or, "We do not drink water out of the fish tank!"

(Those are all things I really have had to say at one point or another).

And then, there was the time shortly after Maya was born, when I was sitting in a dermatologist's office in my lovely hospital gown waiting for the doctor to come in to look at a mole on my head. Why in creation the nurse made me put on a gown for that, I will never know.

So, as I sat and waited, my newborn was in the waiting room with Jeremy and apparently it was time for her to eat. While I had no idea about this, my body was fully aware, and so my baby's perfect source of God-given nutrition made itself available. Plentifully available.

At that moment, I realized how un-absorbent those hospital gowns really are, and in an effort to stop the soaking, I criss-crossed my arms and applied pressure.

And prayed that the doctor wouldn't walk in at that moment.

But he did.

And he was a dermatologist. A young one. Most certainly lacking in experience with this sort of thing. And he cluelessly, but very politely, introduced himself to me and extended his hand.

At which point I began to extend my own hand, realized the predicament I was in, and then uttered one of those statements that you're better off not anticipating ever having to say:

"I'm sorry, I'd shake your hand, but, well, I'm nursing and my baby is in the waiting room and um, it's time for her to eat, and well, my hands are kind of wet right now...."

Oh, the horror.

I wish I had a picture of the awkward/embarrassed/horrified look on that dermatologist's face at that moment. I'd post it right here, I really would.

But I don't, so instead, over the next several days, I'll be posting a handful of the most recent weird sentences that I never thought I'd hear myself say. They're not all as embarrassing as the one I just shared, thank God, but interesting or amusing in their own way.

If you've got any good ones of your own, please do share. It's rather liberating, I must say.